On November 12, 2010 I turned in paperwork to withdraw from classes at the California State University, Long Beach. I listed “withdrawing from university” as my “serious and compelling reason”. When I approached my professors to acquire their signatures, they were both surprised and confused. They both stated that I was “doing well” and asked why I was withdrawing. I gave the department chair the same reason I gave them, secondary periphery about being academic personnel at UC Irvine, conducting research, lacking the necessary time, et cetera. While this is all truth, it’s not the primary force behind my decision.

I left graduate school because I was there for the wrong reasons. Basically, it was a self-esteem issue. A deeply rooted self-esteem issue that turned out to be completely unrelated to academia or intelligence. I was trying to prove something to someone, but exactly who I couldn’t really tell you, even if I tried. Remember, I was all set on moving to NYC, and that plan quickly morphed into one revolving graduate school. I applied to any place by the sea that I thought would accept me. And then I waited.

I didn’t like waiting. I had enough of that. I was “ready” for a change. I was “ready” for something drastic. After all, hadn’t I been planning all these vacations in order to experience new things, never mind the fact that I’ve already lived on three continents? Hadn’t I traveled between groups of people trying to establish some long lost connection, even though I had all the friends I really needed? Truth is, I’ve been running away from a very simple fact of which some of you are already privy to. I’m done running.

When I finally accepted nameless mess, my perspective experienced a violent pole shift, and my priorities changed overnight. Spiritually, emotionally - I leveled up. If that wasn’t enough the commitments of graduate school took me away from the things I loved: friends, surfing, MMA, my poodle. I made an executive decision that these things were too important to me because they were large portions of my life that brought me happiness. I never intended to change that. Graduate school had to go.

The funniest part about dropping out is I did so on an upswing. I was performing well in my classes and was en route for a strong GPA: guaranteed 4.0 if I dedicated a little more time. My modus operandi is to not quit but to run myself into the ground. This is one of the few times in my life I left something while it was still good.

I’ll be turning 29 in January, so I’m glad to finally learn that I don’t have to please everyone or prove anything to anybody. I don’t have to be right. I don’t have to be best. I just want to be happy. Besides, I know I’m good enough.

Any way the wind blows. HGP